It feels like this state of mind has stuck with me over the last few months, but if I’m really being honest, it’s been brewing for a good few years.

I’ve spoken before about my past life as Zex. She got me through a lot of shit, and did so pretty effortlessly. Skip to the present day, I find myself reaching for that old self. No longer confiding in actual people – just diving into my own flesh, and showering off whatever awfulness rubbed itself on me the previous day. “Womp womp – move on”. I didn’t need validation. I didn’t need anyone. I was my own source of comfort and motivation.

I still have people in my life who knew me from back then. They saw me showing pink, mostly on my own, but I know they saw me. If I wasn’t, they wouldn’t have leaned in. They would never have stuck around.

In case it wasn’t clear: I want to clarify that I was a sex worker back then, and I am a sex worker now. This is not up for discussion. Just because I’ve erased that part of my life from the web, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Just because you might not find me desirable now, doesn’t mean I am not.

Being told I am/was not something from someone (I love) both confuses and upsets me. The confusion comes from BPD and my self-awareness. I am always questioning reality, which is why honesty is so valuable to me, and why dishonesty will lead you to feel the chill off Me. If I ever sound unsure of myself, it’s because I allowed someone’s questioning (of me) to seep into my skin. Maybe that’s why it feels like pins and needles all over, and why I haven’t slept well since I got back, but I digress.

Doubt let’s DXXXRK in, but she isn’t all bad. Your shadow-self can be the thing that keeps you alive and driven, compared to those with a beating heart, who can keep you in a state of loss. I’ve said before that it can turn you into a self-sufficient corpse, but right now, this rotten flesh is all I need to sustain me. Well – that and some fucking bookings, of course. A girl’s gotta eat.

– Good Grief / DXXXRK