Trigger warning: Rape, sexual assault

The lack of sex education and its increased censorship is weakening our understanding of humanity. With sex being something that connects most human beings, misinformation on what happens when the connection is undesired, is harmful. Some still see rape as being at the fault of the victim, or a “misunderstanding” to diminish their own discomfort. These views are not helpful to survivors. Not providing enough awareness on what rape is means people are likely not going to be able to understand the concept of consent, period.

CNC (Consensual Non-Consensual) is just that – an act that, unlike rape, is consensual. It doesn’t even necessarily include a re-enactment of rape/personal trauma, yet people still see it as “asking to be raped”. Someone saying they enjoy being humiliated in a session is not the same as being humiliated by a complete stranger in public. One situation accepts there is a risk, the other does not. One has boundaries, and the other exploits it without warning. One is rape, and the other isn’t.

I believe that the misconceptions around CNC stems from the misconceptions of both kink and the act of rape itself. If you are someone who believes people who enjoy CNC are actually “asking to be raped”, your knowledge on both rape and consent are exceptionally poor. It’s not their fault, but I do wish they understood the reasons behind them being wrong. Lack of education will always result in confusion, but when it leads into harmful opinion, we need to do better to create dialogue and educate.

As a submissive, I enjoy not having to think, and to fully relinquish control to someone I trust. It comes with a risk, for example, an injury, or a trigger such a PTSD. Both/all parties have the opportunity to discuss the scene before it goes ahead, share a safe word, know when to stop, etc. This does not happen with rape, as there is coercion or full force. The line is still thin. You can be exceptionally experienced in the kink scene and still not know where your boundary is, which is why its up to all parties to understand what it means to be human, and listen to each others mind and bodies – not just our words.

As a dominant, I like to push others in the way they push me, however, there is no benefit for me if my partner isn’t enjoying an experience. I understand how my desires work, and if my line is blurry, I have the ability to convey that and not start at all. In terms of me being on the receiving end, sometimes I just want to be with someone I know who can not only push me, but who genuinely believes my mind can reach a place others dare not to go. I’m very selective with those people. At the moment, there’s only one person who comes to mind.

CNC is common with people wanting to reclaim their body after sexual trauma, yes. Unlike the sexual assault itself, they can be in a place where they hold some power. For some, a CNC scene can be treated as exposure therapy. It doesn’t always go well (I, myself, have broke out in tears on multiple occasions), but at least there’s aftercare and a safe space to digest what’s happened. And most importantly, I can stop it anytime.

There are also dominants who find relief in not having to think too much about a scene, and want to be given a place to be selfish with their desires. These people can be overwhelmed in a setting where there are constantly thinking about a million other things, so being with someone who trusts you enough to stay in a scene can be freeing. It’s a difficult task and a big responsibility on both/all parties. Everyone needs to acknowledge that the words exchanged and the physical act itself are two different events. Everyone has to take some kind of accountability and be honest as fuck.

However, like with all kinks, it doesn’t have to be that deep. Some people might just enjoy the physical sensation over the mental. Again, this doesn’t mean they will enjoy the same sensations without active consent. Don’t confuse the two.

There can be pleasure in having someone take control of your body when your mind is chaotic. You are never giving full control just by consenting to it. We can say, “Yes, Goddess. I am Your property, Goddess”, but as long as the space provided is a safe one, the submissive still holds their power. A dominant might be on top, but the submissive and the dominant are equals. That’s the difference between a safe (kink) space and a dangerous one.

I know this might be a little heavy for some. If it brought something up for you, please give yourself a little treat.

Take care and have a good weekend.

– GOOD GRIEF / DXXXRK