“How do you live if you don’t know how to suffer?

Good morning,

I’m currently sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, wearing a long, pink, vintage M&S nightgown, and a fluffy pink robe with Hello Kitty’s ears and face revealed when the hood is up. I’m reminded of an ex-play partner who liked seeing me in this kind of attire. “The cosy look”, he called it. He didn’t just think it looked cute like most people do – he discovered through me he was drawn to it as a kink. I have yet to meet anyone else who was as engaged to my soft side the same way he was. I miss it.

At some point, my busiest period was 6 play partners in one week. Needless to say, my succubus needs were very much met. Everyone was worth my time and attention, and I had the mental capacity of digesting everything. Skip to this very moment, myself and those in my circle have been in a state of limbo. Humans disappoint me with great efficiency, so I still find myself grieving artificial memories of ex-play partners. I say artificial because the wool over my eyes sat comfortably, but the rest of myself – soul and body, were far from it. Like some Uzumaki, contorted-mind-and-body shit.

The displeasure of crossed boundaries, dishonesty and lack of accountability, has made my second-skin grow even thicker. The wool now often swapped with black and white vision. My meat raw and encased in something you could tap your nail on. Water off a DXXXRK’s back.

I forgot what it felt like to expose myself again until I explored ENM. I forgot that people lied. How men talked distastefully behind a woman’s back, but used soft words when he was in her embrace. I forgot what manipulation felt like. To believe someone because her eyes sparkled.  To feel replaceable.

I’ve learned so much about myself, particularly what can be gained from studying humans and observing unhealthy patterns. You don’t get to learn from others if you do not interact with them. You do not find yourself until you hold a mirror and embrace whatever’s looking back. We are all so afraid of getting hurt, but how do you live if you don’t know how to suffer? How do you overcome if nothing stands before you?

Does it suck to let your guard down and risk having someone take advantage? Yes, but you need to learn the pattern of others so you can learn to  protect yourself and your time, and you don’t learn about life unless you live it. You don’t need to rush yourself, and you don’t need to shut yourself off when you’re hurting. You can take a step back – just don’t cut off all communication to those who are good.

When someone betrays me, I can stay sad and confused, or sink my teeth into my own flesh like a self-sufficient corpse. It’s hard when one lacks motivation for desire. Having selfish desires means you can circle back and forth into yourself, but that echo chamber will eventually grow into something dull and uninspiring. You will become ill if you’re full of yourself. It’s the distraction (of others) that keeps me focused. I still need time between transitional periods so my feathers can grow back, but I find myself wiser; choosing a different sequence rather than engaging in the previous. People might see me as cold, but I see it as well-lived.

‘Curiosity killed the cat’ is a saying that should be favoured to stop yourself from exploring undesirable paths. Harmful people will either: 1. Not reach out or take accountability out of pride or: 2. Reach out when they want something from you. I advise you to remain uncurious to save your sanity, your time, and to stay alive. I learned from the person I mentioned at the start that his lucky number was 3, as in months. Humans have a period of time and a pattern. If you are staying in that cycle, you better be getting something out of it. Sex doesn’t count for a Goddess, so go away with that. You are allowed to reminisce and grieve the moments when things felt good, but if you want to grow wings, you need to remember how it was when things were bad. Seek other moments that feel good and safe. Be patient.

It is human to be flawed, but better to be a God(dess)/Divine being who seeks to turn flaws into works of art. At My discretion, I can choose to offer mercy to the few who prove themselves worthy of meeting my gaze. I don’t see it as a test, but rather me expressing that I am an experienced individual who has no curiosity revisiting previous unsuccessful sequences. I have suffered, and now I wish to fly.

– GOOD GRIEF / DXXXRK